Last night I heard from a dear, old friend whom I haven't heard from in a couple of years. He called to touch base and wish us well with Emily. While we were thrilled to hear from him, the phone call was bittersweet.
We have all of this joy in our lives to share -- the Forever Home, moving here to Alabama, the wonderful boys and all they've been up to, the fun we have, the happiness we enjoy, this sweet baby girl, Zorak's great job, and how much I love my life -- I could go on, but I cut myself short while talking with him.
Because, you see, things aren't so happy in his life. At all. Even the things that could be construed as potentially joyful bring no joy.
And it broke my heart.
I felt, suddenly, as if I was rubbing salt into an open wound with every positive thing that came out of my mouth. So I shut up and tried to think of neutral things, outside things, positive-in-his-life things. But there just wasn't anything. And it's not a case of him being a pessimist or a negative person. It's really that things just are not happy there. And they probably won't change. This is his life -- his family's life. It's not something I understand, or the lifestyle I would choose, but I know how it happens.
Still, it's sad. He is such a great guy, and has such a gentle spirit.
But he's not the only one. It seems lately that there is a lot of bitterness and sadness sprawling about the emotional countryside. And here I come, galumpfing through the hills with this goofy smile on my face, belting out songs from The Sound of Music (granted, they're squalled out off-key, but it's a robust noise, nonetheless), with the kids in tow (wearing old curtains and happy about it), and the dog carrying what's left of one of my slippers, and... Boy, talk about your not-so-graceful entrance.
How do you all handle it when things are really good for you, and not so much for your loved ones? What do you say when everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like you're channeling Pollyanna and she's drawing her nails down someone else's chalkboard? Is it possible to have a conversation where you can answer their inquiries without causing them sadness or pain?
I realized last night that it might sound like I'm really laying it on thick at times, and I'm not. We've worked darned hard to get where we are - in our relationship, our finances, our lifestyle - this didn't just magically come to us, it's been work, and the payoff is good. BUT, to someone who is so far from happy that even the beauty of a sunset may not be visible, this kind of joy probably seems painfully garish. And I just don't know how to gently tiptoe through those meadows. I'll keep trying. I don't want to cause loved ones pain at all, and while I cannot bring myself to feel guilty for all we have, I also am under no motivation to rub anybody's nose in anything. Ever.
SO. Awkward moment ensues. Everyone clears their throats. And then what do you say? Have you ever felt this way? Or have you ever been the one who wasn't in a happy spot? If so, how could your ridiculously happy friends handle it that would make it easier? Let you know that your presense is a part of that happiness. Let you know there's a place for you in their lives and that you're loved and noticed. Because you are, and even when you are not happy, you bring joy to their hearts and they love you. Trust me, I know.
Kiss those babies, and I wish you joy.
~Dy
7 comments:
We had a friend who was dieting while attending a party at our house. I was cutting a piece of cake and she asked me to try it and tell her how it was. I didn't want to make her feel bad so I said, "It's not really that good." And she said, "No, really tell me how it is." She truly wanted to hear how it was. Somehow that made her feel better. Perhaps your loved one needed to hear that things are going well for you...to give him hope. I know that's not an actual comparison to a tough road in life but it was just a thought.
Dy- this is right where I am. We have been through so much in the last year, but like you we have worked our booties off to make our life change. I know my posts are starting to sound like life is so wonderful and fabulous and there's a reason for that-it is. When things were so bad that I couldn't see the beauty in anything it helped me to hear it from others about the good things in their life, they gave me hope, their happiness lifted me up. My hope now is that when people read how things are for us now it will help to give them hope and lift them up. Reading your blog this past year has been uplifting and a blessing of hope Dy,so thank you!
LisaMarie
For the person with a victim mentality, nothing you say is going to make a difference one way or the other. You're in your place because you're "lucky." They're in their place because they're "unlucky."
For the person who knows they've made bad mistakes that got them to a bad place, and are working their buns off to get to the good place by making great decisions -- then the words you have to share about how your hard work and good decisions and long-term thinking got you to where you are today -- well that's nectar. That's hope. That's encouragement that normal people can lead abnormally wonderful lives if they'll just make *sustained* effort.
Not to downplay the role of tragedy or hardship -- we'd have an easier financial road of it if we weren't still paying the twins' hospital bills. But nobody forced us to then go buy a home in Southern California while we were still paying on that debt.
Don't stop sharing, Dy. I take heart from so much you write.
It was difficult for me to respond to this post without getting caught up in my emotions so I tried to keep it vague, in a way ;-). I just wanted to say that I understand exactly what you're saying. I have two people in my life that I constantly think about and pray for. One, as you may remember, is very close and dear to my heart. Our last visit together made me realize how very different our lives are. I was at a total loss for finding some common ground. It all boiled down to me showing him that I love him so very much. No matter what! He is dear to my heart and that hasn't changed. I do share our lives with him because he loves to hear about what we're doing. It has taken a while to get our relationship to that point though. A lot of work and thought on my part and I eased into it. I didn't say too much unless prompted in the beginning. I mostly talked about him and how he was doing. His life. It has still been tough at times because I'm careful about what I say. I think that having a discerning spirit is helpful.
His struggles are more than I can fathom. I try to keep in constant touch with him now. I really think that he finds great enjoyment out of knowing that I was thinking about him.
My heart goes out to your friend.
I'd say call him every once in a while and let him know that you're thinking about him. Send him a picture of your family with a card. Things like that...maybe.
Oh, my little ones love to draw pictures for this person in our life. They delight in sending things out in the mail. That's an idea too. I know that some of the things they send end up on his fridge or in his "man purse". LOL
I agree with what everyone here has said so far. Having been in both places in my life- the joyful and the not-so-joyful, I can honestly say that when we were struggling and unhappy, I appreciated hearing about the joy in my friend's lives. For me, a positive outlook made this possible. I would hear about their joy and how things were so good for them, and it strengthened my resolve to get there again someday.
From the moments of joy in my life, I also hesitate when sharing them with those whom I know are struggling. I don't want to make them feel badly. But I also realize that for most of my friends, even though they are in a bad place, they still appreciate that things are going well for us. These are my true friends. And it is a mark of great friendship, I think, to be able to put aside your own issues and just be happy for your friends.
I wouldn't not share something I was happy about, in order to preserve the other person's feelings. But when I do share it, I would be careful to tone it down a bit, and not overdo things.
it's okay to be joyful and happy about where you are right now, and your friends should understand that. But it is also okay to be considerate of where they are right now as well.
Keep on "channeling Pollyanna" Dy! it goes a long way towards brightening other people's days. ;)
Aunt Sissa
Dy don't feel bad about being happy. Yes many would love to have what you have, you both have worked hard and shared many downs as well as ups and you deserve your happiness. Even I sometimes wish I had found that kind of joy with !!!, but it takes two and you found that in Zorak, that amazing man. And your blog always lefts my spirits when I feel down. Keep being you. Love ya much
Happiness really doesn't have to do with what you have or don't have. It's all inside of you. Look at Job, faithful till the end. His Faith had nothing to do with his circumstance, if anything it made it stronger. If you don't have Faith to hang onto IMO, you don't have a chance. Even if it's not Faith in God people can still have Faith in love, in the human race, in the future. Hope. That's what it comes down to.
Thankfully I have my Faith because that's what brings me peace that allows me to be happy even in the most dire circumstance. Maybe if you could somehow convey that your life has had ups and downs too but that you have all perservered, hung in there, because you knew it would get better. And it did. Much, much better.
Happiness is different things for different people. For us it's the richness of family. Perhaps the key is first finding what would make yourself happy and then persuing it. You can't just sit and wait for it to come to you.
I would emphasize that it's achievable for anyone. And that you have been there (or somewhere near there maybe?). Just show him there's light at the end of his tunnel. And let him know he's being prayed for. There's a family member that is going through a really rough time and he writes me simple e-mails sometimes just asking me to pray for him. I think it's because while I'm honest with the roots of his problems (not letting him get away with saying it's luck instead of poor choices) I don't judge him. And I offer him hope. And we really do pray.
"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."
William Butler Yeats
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