Communication has been called an art. Words, the most common form of communication in society, have been called "the most powerful drug used by mankind." (Kipling)
So why do we speak? Write? Read? What is the goal of our communication? If we are not understood, is it we who have not done our job properly? Or is it our audience who must hash it out until understanding is reached?
In our home, we take a clear and simple stance:
your goal, when you speak or write, is to convey your thoughts, ideas, and questions in such a way that others are capable of comprehending you.It's why we tell Smidge, "Use your words."
It's why we told the older two the same thing.
It's why Emily will hear the same. exact. phrase.
It's why we read, read, read. Talk, think, discuss. We want them to have the vocabulary and thought processes to communicate well, and not have to rely on the flippant, rude, and useless, "whatever."
Let's illustrate.
If you feel I've called you a toad, (perhaps, because I've said,
"Your amphibian roots are showing,") you would most likely question me about it. And if I said I was only thinking aloud, or that I was only attempting to have an honest dialogue, but meant absolutely no harm at all... we could probably move on with the discussion.
But, if my references continually pointed toward an implication that I believed you to be a toad (
caught any flies today? is that a wart? don't lick her, kids, you know how she is!) It's probably a fair assumption that I'm not being entirely honest with you when you call me on the carpet for being a bit of an ass, and I deny it. It would behoove me to
a) admit that I think you're actually a toad, and be willing to discuss my reasons for coming to this position,
b) admit that I'm busted, I'm being a jerk, and knock it off,
c) just shut up, already.
There is no real option
d) continue to berate you for jumping to wild conclusions, as I simply happen to *adore* toads.At least, not with any intellectual honesty, there isn't.
On the flip side, if you speak to me in German, beyond words such as "strudel" or "schnitzel" or possibly "guten tag" (but with all the proper decorative punctuation that I don't know how to type in Blogger), I will have no idea what you are saying. You can say it more slowly. You can say it more loudly. You can even s-p-e-l-l it out for me. It won't help, because I do not speak German. Yes, I could learn it. (If I ever go to Germany, I'll give it my best shot.) However, if you'd like to communicate a thought, an idea, an opinion, (not just to me, but to anyone) you are the one responsible for putting it in such a way that I am (we are) capable of gleaning your meaning. Don't move closer and cover us in angry spittle in the hope that we will somehow "get" what you mean. Oddly enough, that does not work.
We tell the children that if they would like to be understood, it is their job to make themselves understood. We hold ourselves to the same standard. That does not mean we do not occasionally say something confusing. (For instance, if I were to say, "This is stupid," Zorak might want clarification.
Is this whole plan stupid? Is this part of the plan stupid? Is this specific detail stupid? Or am I just being a jerk about it and can't think of anything articulate to say? If I get angry with him for asking for clarification, it's pretty obvious at that point that I was just being a jerk.)
That, right there, is a matter of personal responsibility. It means that when we do convey something that makes our audience look askance at us, we take it as our responsibility to re-phrase what we've tried to convey. We wouldn't allow our children to shout at their friends, "Oh! You plebes! What
ever!" We wouldn't allow ourselves to do that to one another in a dialogue, a discourse, a discussion. We. Simply. Wouldn't.
No more would we accept an out-of-left-field, unrelated comment from one of our children as a legitimate portion of our discussion. (At least not without pointing it out.) For example,
This is a difficult task. I could use help,
would not be answered appropriately with,
The human head weighs eight pounds and emits carbon dioxide from the nostrils.
In fact, the next thing you would most likely hear is something along the lines of,
What? That was just weird. Please don't do that. If you're going to join the discussion, then your contribution needs to have something to do with the discussion.
We do guide our children away from behaving like that. Why? So they learn how to communicate appropriately. They learn that it's
their job to communicate appropriately.
When people behave inappropriately in their communications, discussions devolve quickly into one-sided conversations that leave the rest of the group fairly uncertain. Those who don't know the meter of that verse are accused of choosing not to hear it. Or of being too stoopid to understand it, too thin-skinned to be worthy of responding with any rationale, too antagonistic to be reasonable.
Or maybe, just maybe, they aren't *not getting it*. They've seen enough, and are smart enough to know that, sometimes,
it is what it is. That does happen, from time to time. If they're wrong, they might ask the speaker, "Please, clarify."
It is, after all, the speaker's responsibility to make themselves understood. Isn't it?
So please, if I'm unclear, help me uphold my end of the communication deal and let me know I've been unclear. I'll do the same for you.
Dy
People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choicest words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.
~Edwin Friedman
Then it's time for the really fun part! We used deck stain, namely because we had some on hand, and wanted to see how it would look. But also because we would rather not be replacing these things before we're done with the rest of the renovations. Conserve, conserve, conserve.
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