Saturday, March 19

Great Days, Great Folks, Lessons Learned

We spent a lovely day with friends, celebrating a wee one's first birthday. The Honored Guest doesn't remember a thing about the Grand Event, but it's always a joyful celebration.

Zorak had to work, but was able to join the party in time to enjoy some Cuban style beans and rice and a cold beer. *ahhh* Good stuff. Not quite ambrosia, but mixed with enjoyable company and the background noise of a dozen or more gleeful children, it's not a bad way to spend the afternoon at all.

I have only one issue to take with the day, and I hope that new parents or soon-to-be parents, or those who are ever in charge of planning events and games for small children in any setting at all will please listen closely...

(General Disclaimer. I'm not talking about sporting events, nor about planned competitions for which children are prepared. I am not even talking about all children in all stages of life. I am talking about little ones and social gatherings. Everybody doesn't have a water buffalo, but the point that follows is that the little guys don't mind as long as we don't beat them over the head with it. So, here's your grain of salt, enjoy, and read on. Thank you, The Management.)

The Honored Parents are still learning the ropes, and today they gained a valuable lesson: the Inertia of Joy. Children do not naturally need to be organized or entertained. They move on their own internal inertia and it is easy to mess with that, but the results are not going to be good. We've messed with their inertia.

I cringed a bit when I overheard that there were "games" planned, with "prizes" for the winners. This is the under seven crowd, folks. The games of our youth which we may (or may not) remember with fondness were not such fond memories before we hit the more calloused and competitive ages. If the children are little, give them room to run and the occasional snack and you'll be amazed at how much fun they'll have. Musical chairs is perhaps one of the meanest, most humilitating things you can do to a group of small children. And yet, here it came. *sigh* I'm never quite sure how to handle these situations, really. It's going to end in tears. It's a bad idea. I voice my concerns and suggest that perhaps we ought to let the children continue playing happily, together, as they are... and I'm met with the shocked, eye-rolling look that says, "You are SO overprotective." Yes, folks, we all want our children learn to handle failure, but we don't want to consciously set them up for it. Tsk, tsk. So, they called the happy, smiling children to gather 'round. All the parentless adults and the fairly new parents were all smiles. The guileless children heard "game", thought "fun", and agreed to give it a shot.

One. By. One. The tears flowed. First out was John, who would never think to shove a little girl out of a seat (initially because he knew we'd have a fit, but at this point simply because he knows you don't shove and you don't push girls... see how this just doesn't fit when you're four and trying to make sense of it all?) His shoulders slumped, his head dropped, and silent tears fell. The other children slowly realized that this was going to get ugly. Wonderful Neighbors' eldest girl was next. Same tears, same dejection. Some of the parentless adults are starting to think that perhaps it's not such a good idea to be making the children cry. (They CAN be taught! Hallelujah!) Two more children were ousted from the game, absolutely crushed at being banished from the fun of running around to music, before the organizers of the "fun" looked around and said, "What should we do?" Well, how about letting them just run and play? That seemed to be working well.

It took a while to perk up their little spirits, but thankfully, children are resilient and once they're reassurred that the "fun" is over, they go quite happily back to their mundane games of hide and seek, follow-me, run-in-circles-until-you-fall-over, and who-can-laugh-the-silliest. By the time everyone headed out, all of the children were running once again on their Inertia of Joy. (They'd also broken into the gift bags and were tanking up on Pixie Stix! WOOHOO! It's party time!)

Just let the children be. They don't have to compete to have fun. They don't have to have a winner to enjoy the day. They are little, and they are trying to learn how it all fits together. Let them do that without pitting them against one another. Let them find their place and their footing. Enjoy them. There is so much to enjoy in them, if you'll let them be.

Kiss those babies!
~Dy

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're preaching to the choir!

I have a friend who sets up her house (her entire house) as a sort of Montessori party - each room has a theme, the kids are allowed to move at their own pace and determine what they want to do. If kid A is having a great time in the dress up room, kid A stays there til it's time for the cake.

Great idea, but one I've never managed to pull off.

Poppins

melissa said...

ROFL!! This is SOOooo true! The poor "big people" just seem blind sided when things turn sour. I mean it's what "the book" says about party fun for kids. Ahhh...there is something a little deeper here, No?

Kim said...

When my daughter was about six, she went to a party where there prizes and games were involved. She won a prize and felt so bad when another little girl cried because she didn't get it, that she gave it to her. I agree that kids can have fun without the competition.

Btw, congrats on Alabama!

Anonymous said...

So true. Young children don't need to have competive games. I agree, competition works best when kids are prepared for it. Some kids thrive on competition, some don't, and a parent can choose whether or not to put their children into competitive activities according to what works for their children. Parties are supposed to be fun. For my younger children we keep things very simple. They play, we eat, serve cake, open gifts, then either play some more or everyone leaves. Haven't had one complaint yet.

Jules said...

I love how you have articulated so well my own feelings on this subject. I hate, hate, hate structured party games for young children! How about a craft you can take home and enjoy later? Heck, how about a craft you can eat? How about a whole bunch of nuttin' but play? The musical chairs thing stinks both ways- my daughter was at a tea party when she kept winning the musical chairs game they played. She must have won five times in a row. The other girls started whining and complaining and the mom-in-charge said that my daughter had to sit out the next few games. I was livid but wasn't sure how to handle it aside from plain old walking out. The sad thing was, it made my daughter feel like trying your hardest and doing your best was a bad thing. She was ashamed to have been so good at musical chairs.

Anonymous said...

You nailed it. I can't tell you how often parents over plan a wee one's birthday party to excess (kids, sugar, toys, games, decor). I've seen the birthday child sit under the table during the cake & song (parents with video camera in hand) and another who broke down crying (too many kids playing with his toys).

My dd's 3rd birthday was spent at the grandparents and I said if we get a bounce house (she has 6 cousins up to age 8 yrs show up) and bubbles we can sit back and enjoy the BBQ. Since we had the bounce house for 2 days (due to a delivery glitch) my little birthday girl learned how to turn it on and go in (yikes!) on her own the next day. Almost a year later, she still talks about it, joyfully.