Thursday, September 21

Not like this!

So, in all my years of doing odd jobs, learning new skills, and taking on challenging tasks, there has never, ever, as long as I have lived, been any desire on my part to put together a bicycle. Ever. I don't care to know how the brakes adjust. If you really, absolutely must stop now and your brakes don't work because you don't know how to adjust them, run into something. I have scars that attest to the efficiency of this approach.

Even less appealing than maintaining or assembling my own bicycle is the thought of having to put one together for the children. I'm willing to take the responsibility for not giving them food poisoning when I prepare their food. I'm confident in my ability to follow road rules and not rack up moving violations that might endanger them when we get into the car. I am A-OK with being the one solely responsible for their education and general life-skills. But I just don't think it's a good idea for my skills and abilities to be the sole line of defense between them and full-body traction when they're riding their bikes down the steep and rutted driveway (usually, straight into the barn).

So, that said, why is there a partially assembled bicycle in the living room, taunting me?

Well, it started yesterday. James got a new bike for his birthday. We met Zorak in town and let James pick one out from the ones Zorak has narrowed to the A-list. All was warm and fuzzy - happy children, new helmets, new bike for the birthday boy... Everything changed the moment the young man assisting us with our purchase asked, "Do you want this assembled?"

Now, I realize he was probably the one helping us solely because he is the slowest sprinter they have (or the one least proficient at looking Terribly Busy, or just plain hiding from herds of families, as they roam about in search of "help"), but bless him, he stuck with us. He looked in the back for us (and as most of you know, The Back must be a terrifying place, based on most employees' reluctance to go there to look for anything for a customer - that he willingly forged into The Back and found our item meant a lot to me). At this point, I'm willing to cough up Zorak's hard-earned money to let this young man engage the one skill I know he possesses with which he can most definitely run circles around me. This is "a wise use of funds", in my opinion.

But Zorak beat me to it. "No, I'll assemble it," he says. "We just need the box, please."

"What? WHEN are you going to assemble it?"

"Tonight, while the boys are at Pioneer Club."

I stared at him with My Skeptical Look.

"After I run that one wire in the school room."

My Skeptical Look intensified.

"It'll be fine."

For the record, I am still wearing My Skeptical Look.

We arrived home to a fully wired school room, complete with functional switches, tons of working outlets, a visible dearth of outlet cords running here and there, and a bonafide light fixture in the ceiling. It's lovely. I'm writing by the light of that fixture right now. And that is my sole consolation, because as we walked in, Zorak popped open the bike box. That's right, pulled the staples out as we walked in. At nine o'clock at night.

I probably don't need to go into the gory details of the evening that followed. But by the time all the children were scrubbed, jammied, storied and snuggled, we were pretty well shot. Zorak gave it a good go. He really did. The manual is for a different model, so none of the pictures match. And the manual was written by an obstinate second grader, so the written directions make very little sense. And Zorak did have to be out the door this morning well before the neighbor's rooster came to our meadow to challenge Balto for a morning race.

But there's an anxious little boy and a partially assembled bicycle, and I am now faced with having to pick between two incompatible desires: not to ever, ever have to put together a bicycle, and making that little boy smile.

I guess it won't hurt to have another set of skills added to the list.

Kiss those babies!
~Dy

11 comments:

mere said...

Sounds like a science project about gears and such might just be sitting in your living room. However, I don't think I would trust my eight year old to restrain his excitement long enough to actually slow down and listen to me, so that we could put it together. I MIGHT have one hair left on my head after the experience. James might be a little calmer than my Jake, though. Have fun!

Bridget said...

I've always figured that the people who write manuals are sitting in some office somewhere laughing their butts off. They know the pictures don't match what you bought and they know the directions they have given us trusting consumers will never be able to be followed. They are evil, evil people.
Bridget
P.S. I hope the poor little guy gets to ride his bike before he outgrows it. ha ha

Meliss said...

Oh, I know The Skeptical Look. I wear it on my face everytime my dh (James) estimates how long it is going to take to do something.

When I grow up, I want to be like you, able to accomplish do-it-yourself home renovation/improvement while simultaneously caring for or homeschooling four kids. Not to mention even attempting bike assembly. Aaaaauuugh! BTW, I ran a load of laundry for the second time today. Isn't that how it is done?!

I haven't gotten far enough in Latin to know what you mean by "Would that be out of ellents? Or just no in ellents?" We have been soooo inconsistent with Latin. Maybe we'll do better when I grow up!

Dy said...

Melkhi,
OH, I am so sorry! There's nothing academic in my joke at all. It's probably only one step above fart jokes. Here was the reasoning behind it.

Excellent (which his comment truly was - you've got a sharp one on your hands and his observation was great!) And then, because I just hadn't had enough caffeine today, I kept going:

"Ex" being "out of" ... ellent. Ex-cellent. HaHa! (I'm pretty sure it was funnier in my head. Most things are. And, in rewriting this, I notice I left the "c" off in the first comment, which probably didn't make it any more understandable, did it?)

OK, I will stop. I just didn't want you to think it was you. It's Me! :-) I'm weird. But seriously, do look up "explode", the etymology is priceless, and you'll have small children trying to chase people from rooms by clapping for at least a week.

Aaaaand, that pretty much blows the cover off anyone wanting to be like me, I know. I've got a painfully obscure sense of humor.

Mere, I think the only person I am less comfortable with being in charge of the safety of this bicycle than myself, is The Boy. LOL. Science will continue on undeterred without that little contribution from our home. (He's currently trying to shoot pencils from the tire pump...)

Bridget, I think you're right. But at least they have fully formed senses of humor. *cringe* He did get to ride - today, even! I got all of it done and adjusted but the tension on the rear brakes. Zorak had to come finish that bit for us. But he's now up and going on his bike and is one happy little boy. Yay!

Melora said...

Happy belated birthday to James! Sounds like he had a good day, and you proved yourself, once again, to be SuperMommyWhoCanDoEverything! Yay you!

Anonymous said...

I have to say, with or without Bicycle Assembly, you have a pretty impressive set of skills already! Me, I can't even figure out how to turn on a ceiling fan light by myself. :-)

Ernest said...

Kat is always the one who had to put stuff together for us. I say this is because she hasn't a creative streak when it comes to engineering, and she says it's rather because she reads the instructions.

mere said...

LOL! I've had to hide both of our pumps because the boys would not leave them alone, and kept harassing the poor cat with them. Yep, that's life with boys.

Meliss said...

Gotcha! I even was thinking that we ought to look up the etymology of "excellent." Sorry I made it Too Difficult! :) I did look up "explode" and will get the kids to look it up. They'll enjoy it!

Janet said...

Dy, I know you can do this. Look at all you did in your house and YOUR WERE 9 MONTHS PREGNANT!!! Not only will you get it done, it will be 10 times better than the store guy (no, I didn't say Zorak).

You're an awesome mom. :-)

ang said...

I have 4 bikes in the garage currently all needing new tubes because my kids manage to drive over things that pop their tires. I cant even imagine having to assemble a whole bike. I hope you have managed to get the bike put together but if anyone can do it I know its you dy!