Uncle Fred

This is a hard post to write. I'd hoped to have a better grasp of the words to do it with, but here we sit, and the words won't come.

If you've been reading here for long, you know all about Aunt B and Uncle Fred. They are who we want to be when we grow up. They are a huge part of keeping Family real, and making it meaningful. Uncle Fred's part in that process has meant so much to us through the years. He was a big influence on Charles' foray into engineering. He welcomed me into the family in his quiet, steadfast way. He's been a calming influence, a source of wit and dry humor; a delightful devil's advocate in late night discussions, and a person for whom the word "integrity" means the world.

This is one of my favorite photos of him, taken at the City of Rocks this past May. He'd been out and about all day, enjoying the company, the kids, the weather. I just love this picture.

I love that smile. That's the smile of someone who found something to enjoy in life, and enjoyed it.

This Saturday, we lost Uncle Fred. He and Aunt B were with the rest of us in North Carolina for the wedding. We all enjoyed a beautiful day at the lake house on Friday, and that evening, at the hotel, Uncle Fred and Cousin David watched a ball game together and argued about distances between bases. It was a full day, and a lovely day. It was the kind of day you'd want to have if you knew it would be your last. But we didn't know that, then. We just knew it was a wonderful day. Yet by Saturday afternoon, Uncle Fred was gone.

Charles says that without the Uncle Freds of the world, everything would come to a grinding halt, that he was one of the individuals that everyone else seeks out when the path forward is no longer evident. Uncle Fred loved knowledge -- for it's practical applications, for its own sake, for the potential it held. Not many people value knowledge on a level like that. He would teach you if you wanted to learn (and were willing to do your part), and would learn from anyone who had knowledge to share. If you had a plan, and you talked with Uncle Fred about it, if he said it would probably work, well, it would probably work. If he said it wouldn't work, you could pretty well bet it wouldn't work. He might tell you why it wouldn't work, but he probably wouldn't tell you what would work. He wanted you to know the enjoyment of figuring things out for yourself, of finding the answer and knowing it was right. For him, that was the good stuff. There was no obstacle that was impassible, to his mind; only more or less challenging to overcome. His enthusiasm was at once overwhelming and contagious.

Taryn and Patrick wanted to postpone the wedding, but Aunt B quoted Uncle Fred's philosophy as part of her argument that they should proceed as planned:

Can you do anything to fix the situation? Then what are you fussing about?

That's such a familiar phrase, and so very like the way Uncle Fred approached any situation. If you can fix it, fix it and move on. If you can't fix it, don't waste your energy fretting, just move on with it. The invocation of those words last Saturday brought a smile and a nod of understanding to everyone who heard. It brought comfort, as well. Ward said the best way to honor a person you admire is to emulate the philosophy and traits you most admired in that person. And so, we did our best.

What can be said to make it seem less impossible? To make it feel less painful? Nothing, I suppose. We loved Uncle Fred. Aunt B loved Uncle Fred. His family, from his children and his grandchildren, down to his extended and adopted family, in-laws, and even ex-wives, loved Uncle Fred. That says a lot about a man, to have so many people who feel his passing. And although the events of the coming week hold much grief, and much pain for many people, not one of us would trade that sorrow for not having known Uncle Fred.

Instead, we'll gather to honor his place in this world, his place in our lives. We'll acknowledge that there is a vacancy now, supported by memories and love and admiration for the man who once stood there.

Kiss those babies.
~Dy